It was unbearable. The pain of knowing nothing and knowing everything at the same time. It was all so clear and yet she hoped the day would never come…
“I can’t take it anymore!” Shay yelled, while digging her long fingers into her messy, dark hair. “I just can’t.”
“So what now? You’re leaving me?” was all the reaction Clary gave. She sat straight, hands clutching the fabric of her jeans.
“What else should I do? What else should I do, Clary?” Shay snapped, almost desperately. “You’re like a fricking doll! Always unchanged, always pretty, always in control. You act like there’s no more to you than all the charming smiles and the calm actions. I wanted… no, I want something more… human. I wanna see you rage, curse, cry and shout. I wanna see you lose control, like a real person would. This stillness, this calm attitude… It’s just not real. It’s not real and you know it.”
“I see.” she smiled, lifting hear head a bit. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologise! Don’t fucking apologise! I just said I was leaving you, so show some emotions! Cry, shout, be angry! Be a human, for God’s sake!”
“Is that all? Is that all you want to see? The self-hatred? The pain, the self-worth issues I had all my life? Could it be that the only thing that holds your interest is the darkness I keep caged inside?”
“I just… I…” Suddenly Shay felt so horribly vulnerable. She exposed all her cards and now she was defenseless, at the mercy of her oh-so-collected girlfriend.
“I guess we are really done this time.” Clary whispered. “Pack your clothes and go. Just go, Shay. Please.”
There have always been cetrain boundaries between people. Boundaries that help us keep our darkest secrets confined, boundaries that help us draw the line between chaos and sanity. Some don’t really care about them, some are not even aware of the existence of these confinements… but for some people, the abolition of these boundaries is simply impossible. It’d allow all hell to break loose inside of them, it’d let chaos in, chasing away all the previously gained sanity.
Clary couldn’t let go of her own defensive lines. Not even if it cost her Shay. Sometimes we just have to make the right choices…
.
JBV
