Kanji ga warui

The scars open up again and again. They won’t let me sleep.

JBV

Untitled

Tiens was always gentle to me. I swear; he would have never lied. He always loved me in all the delicate ways Japhrimel couldn’t.  Tiens sought my pleasure volunatirly, and it was so wonderful until it got horribly boring.

On the contraty, there was Japhrimel. Someone who’ve caused me nothing but trouble, hurt me in countless different ways and took all he could. And still, wounded, bleeding, hardly alive, my heart longed for him. Him, who tortured me, crippled me, made me bleed all over the mattress severaly times. His feral smile has burnt into my brain, the taste of his lips so poisonous that it shouted danger… And still, I gave to him, and gave to him, and gave to him again until there was nothing left to give. He took everythig he could. Exploited, used, damaged. Then left with his plunder.

Yet, my love for him didn’t cease to exist. Decapitated, mutilated, choking on its own blood, love has lived.

It will never blossom again, neither will it flourish or bring me joy. Still, crippled, it lives and kills its host at a cruelly slow pace.

I just want you to disappear. I just want everything to disappear. Memories, feelings, scars…

I’m in desperate need of a fresh start.

.

JBV

National Hooray Day

Well, I’ve just checked my stats and look what I’ve noticed:

Wow. Past 50.000 views… Just… wow. Thanks for sticking with me through all these years, everyone. It means a lot to me. It really does. I and my style of blogging might have changed but I’ll still continue on in the hope of entertaining you. ‘Cause that’s me. An artistic introvert with a showgirl edge and an ethernal longing for beauty.

Yours faithfully,

JBV

Lighthouse

I’ve never felt so small in my whole life. There’s just so much going on and I’m getting terribly vulnerable. I wish you could just hold me against your broad chest, comfort me like there was nothing going wrong. Like the world was a perfect place to live in, like happines was to be, or even could be, achieved by believing in it. For once, I want you to take care of me.

I know how I’m always the bossy one, I know how I always take responsibility for everything. I’m definitely not easy to convince, even when I’m wrong.  I’m like a lighthose that repels all the attacks of the sea and still stands proud. I just wish you’d know that’s not all there is. I have so much to say… I have so many thoughts and secrets, and hell, underneath it all, I’m miserably human. All I wish for is you to understand that. To see through me for once, to peek inside and have a look at just who I really am.

I don’t wanna play roles when I’m with you. I don’t wanna be the girl people think I am. I just want you to hold me close until my breathing calms and my soul goes quiet.

JBV

All the way down

You taste so sweet. Like flowers and chocolate and something else I don’t recognize. It’s all so clear now. It’s all so clear. Lovely rhymes chime through my head as I lie next to you. I won’t touch you. I cannot. You’re not mine to touch; never were, never will be. You’re just a dream that haunts my sleep on the coldest nights.

I see your fragile frame dance through the room, your hands go up in the air, lifting your shirt, and then you sit next to me, undoing button after button. No, I don’t wanna look, I just have to. I want to tell you to stop it and yet, I can’t. I’m watching you undress and I know, I just know that we’ll make the same mistake again.

You lock your poisonous, green eyes with mine, smile playing in the corner of your mouth. I don’t wanna play this game anymore. You’re too damn cruel, I hope you’re aware. You won’t let me love you, though you won’t let me leave you either. It’s picking me apart. How could ONE stupid mistake have caused all these problems? It’s ridiculous. I want out. Just let me leave, Anna.

That’s all I wish for.

JBV