Unfinished works of JBV in an almost chronological, mostly reversed order.
*
2013.11.20. – 2008.07.31. – 2013.11.20.
*
I may seem indifferent when really I’m just waiting for someone to take my breath away so I can go something like “wow, you’re beautiful”.
***
‘You okay, Ni?’
***
Ezek mind csak pillanatok. Eldobható, kicserélhető, végtelenül értékes pillanatok. Ez az. Ez minden. Ez a határ lét és nemlét között, ez a különbség kilégzés és belégzés között, ez az a küszöb, amin átlépve soha nem fordulhatsz már vissza. Ez az a pillanat, mikor kilépsz az ajtón és elkezdődik az utazás, elkap a sodrás
***
Mindenből csak egy harapásnyi csendet kérek, ahogy hintőport lehelsz a számba, és a nyakadban lógó kereszt a kulcscsontomnak ütközik. Fekete. Tizennégy fognyom. Egy a ráadás, és a többi is csak dísz; kóstoló, leheletnyi pimaszság, szerelem, ami úgy lóg a levegőben, mint a suhanó bárdok éle. Nem beszélhetsz, mert a beszéd rossz és hazudni tanít, ámítani, olyan dolgokat kérni, amelyek súlya alatt kettéroppannál. Niacin, Ritalin, egy kanálnyi aszkorbinsav a kávéhoz.
***
‘You’re one step away from ruining everything. You’re ruining us.’
‘I know.’
‘So stop then! Stop it, cut it out, be with me and just me.’
‘I’m so sorry…’
‘Fuck… you’re so… Why?’
***
Skin-to-skin contact is nothing nice. It’s a vice and your touches are poison. If you touch me one more time, I swear I’m gonna be sick on your brand new pants. You drag me down. Down the rabbithole.
(Homecoming Queen)
***
“You’re staring at him, you know” you whisper into my ears with a soft, teasing smile on your face. “Go easy on the goodies, girl.”
“Fuck you” I hiss, a half-smile playing on my lips as I bite my lips. It’s not like you’re wrong or anything – it’s just the opposite, actually. I am staring at him. But how can anyone not stare at 5 feet 9 inches of perfect, slightly tanned skin, covering that awfully delicious lean build and those toned muscles? How can anyone not stare at the massive shock of dirty blonde curls framing that skillfully sculpted face, those incredible cheekbones, those radiant eyes?
“I didn’t know you’re going for the jocks now” you tease with an almost non-existant edge to your voice. “Thought you liked the gender-neutral ones.”
“Well, get used to it. Seems like I’m all for the jocks now, honey.”
“Care to explain?” you demand, slightly impatient. I love it when I unnerve you. You’re just too cute when you lose your temper.
“Nay.” I shake my head in disbelief. Why in a million years would I need an explanation for fancying someone who looks just like a greek god – only better.
“Very well then. I guess you can just fo for it then, since he’s been peeking at you for the last ten minutes or so. I just don’t get you, really.” You let out an exasperated sigh as you abruptly toy with the hem of your leather jacket. “I mean what happened to fancying girls and all?”
“Got bored of them.” I shrug with the shadow of a smile playing on my lips. “Different day, same drama.”
***
It has been one hell of a year.
***
“Hey, let me ask you something…” Words come in all flavors now, choking me like raw meat.
“Sure.” You lay on your stomach, back naked and exposed and porcelain white.
“Do you think what we have is enough?”
You cough. You cough up smoke and clotted blood. And then you smile. You smile that smile and it makes you look so pure and young that for a moment you could fool me, even me, into believing that you’re all sweet and innocent.
“Yeah. Food, sex and cigarettes; sounds pretty good to me.”
***
Words are poisonous.
***
‘Coz I need someone to love. Just one person is enough, it can even be a dream, a lie, if you will. You know all that well that I’ll burn for anyone who has the spark to set me on fire, don’t you? God, I’m so tired of this.
I’m so tired of those words and tired of all those faces, I’m so tired of those smiles and the same old places, and… yeah, you scare me.
***
Valaki ma megmássza az Yggdrasilt; valaki ma révületében elérheti a Világfa csúcsát. Ta-tam, ta-tam. Fehér árnyak suhannak a sűrű ködben.
***
I’m the type that does things because they feel right. I don’t need them to be moral or socially acceptable as long as they feel alright. The only thing that holds me back from letting loose and just diving into all kinds of hedonistic acts is that I have too much to lose. I have people around me who, unlike me, do care about what’s socially acceptable, and so I just tone myself down quite a bit, day in, day out.
It’s just when I’m around you that I let loose. Somehow the fact that you accept all my defects is what makes me feel the most alive. You make me feel alive. Having you back in my life is quite a bit like having that part of me back that was infinitely free and just didn’t give a damn. I can dress like a whore and still be a princess, I can punch people like a boy and still have the kind of intellectually stimulating atmosphere around me, that makes me so distinctly different. I can do all sorts of dirty and immoral things without even a tingle of guilt, while still letting all my feelings roam wild.
You set me free of all of society’s iron shackles. And you’re also the only one who can still love me once all my boundaries disappear.
***
Crash. Fake it. Sniff it, tuck it, fuck it if it moves. If not, just cut it up an let it burn. Crawl out of that monster hall of fame you’ve been dipped into by divine(?) hands. Love me. Fake me. Hate me. Eat me. Wait ’til the rain’s over. Wait for a cab to pull over. Wait for the drops to clean all the dirt you couldn’t. No, you’re not going home tonight.
Pray for me. Pray for boobjobs and hair extentions. Pray for a moment spent in silence.
Can’t think. Can’t feel. Can’t touch. But you always do what you’re not allowed to do, love. You will tear me. I’ll kill you. Could you please take me home? I’ll hold your hair while you throw up. I’ll kiss away all your tears. I’ll hold the knife for you, if you want me to. Let’s burn a candle tonight.
Wouldn’t you? I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. How can you?
I’m dreaming with my eyes open. Can I dream about something else now? It’s all getting too confusing to follow. Thoughts in and out of my head, that’s what it is. Don’t poison-kiss me ever again. Don’t love me. I don’t want the love of y… oh, who am I kidding? Of course I want you to keep loving me like you did the those past years. I want you to burn down the world for me. I just want another cigarette before it’s over again. Ashes burn brighter each time.
Take a swing for me, love! Take a bullet for me this time. Give back just some of that you’ve taken. Give me back those years that went flying out of the window the first time we met. God gracious, you were a trainwreck. You still are. You’re mad, evil and deadly beautiful. And I still cherish you. And you’re still allowed to take my hand and snuggle yourself into my embrace once you feel lost and helpless. You’re forgiven. You’re loved.
It’s just me, you know? Words falling through my ears, images swimming through my brain… all those stuff once this happens. It keeps me up all night. It gets me wondering if there’s even an answer to all those questions you were never afraid to ask…
And now I have my own questions. Of life and love and morals and people. I want to know so many things, I want to solve so many mysteries.
(Prelude to a disaster)
***
Egymás után potyogtak a vízbe a flitterek a ruhádról. Egy nyári este a stégen ülve bámultuk a vizet.
(Desensitized)
***
The slut
The vulgar one
The captain
(Illusory)
***
if people find out that you’re great at something, they’ll want more of that something… more of you, until there’s nothing left. And then they’ll leave, leaving you empty with nothing left to give
***
Törődés. Milyen idegennek hat a szó a szürke hétköznapok rácsai között! Csodálatosan távoli. Szinte megfoghatatlan.
Mikor hallom, arra gondolok, mit ronthattam el. Miért futottunk vakvágányra? Sosem értettem igazán.
***
Szerelmes
***
I should have known for the first time. I should have known how to make you mine for the rest of our lives.
***
Új Hollandia épült az újvilág partjainál. Az első telepesek legalábbis így gondolták.
Connecticutból sosem lett új Hollandia.
***
You crash into me like a hurricane; fast, strong, furious. I can see it in your eyes, you know. I’m perfectly fucking aware that you’re high again. Thanks for nothing, boy. I can taste it on your lips.
Nip. You nip me and I know there’s no going back now. You’re an obnoxious little prick when you’re high, you know that? The white powder that you snort is making you all kinds of crazy. I’m bored. I’m not using and you’ve grown to accept it. You do drugs better than me and I do nothing which I can’t be the best at. I’m an alpha and so are you. If you nip me once again, I swear I’ll tear your head off.
Your eyes are like rainclouds. Clear but soiled – I can see right through you. There are things even I can’t say. There are things I shouldn’t know.
Sometimes I think I know too much. I understand people like no one else – that’s the main reason I’m so disgusted with them. I probably love you because you take way longer to figure out than most. Sometimes, just sometimes, I can still trick myself into believing your lies and honestly, it’s a blast. I love it when you lie to me. I love those pretty things leaving your mouth. It’s like magic. It’s there and then it fades, leaving no trace behind.
Your lies never hurt. You only lie about beautiful things, probably because you’re so damn high all the time. And then you come clean and I can hear you crying through the walls. Those walls that separate us just enough for me to not be able to hold you when you get like that.
Whenever I think of you, I think of stars. I think of all those ways your love has crippled me and all those ways I crippled you right back.
JBV